When I was about 19 years old, God gave me a vision for a speaking and teaching ministry. I won’t go into the details of the vision here, but suffice to say it’s significant enough to get me choked up whenever I do share it. I knew at the time that said ministry would be a ways down the road for me, so I wasn’t anxious about it. I had a lot of growing still to do, and I was willing to wait for God’s timing.
In the past decade or so, God has given me small opportunities to share sermons and devotionals with groups of people. These special moments have stirred my soul and made me hungry for the bigger vision on the horizon. Still, it has felt like a distant thing…something much further than arm’s length away…
About eight months ago, I sensed that my wait was coming to a close. I heard God say, “Get ready.” Exciting things began to happen in my church and in my personal devotional time. I began looking for opportunities to minister to people. I attended a leadership training seminar. The door God had designated for me to walk through was finally swinging wide, and my future on the other side looked glorious. Absolutely glorious! All I needed was an invitation to walk through.
Except…invitations were not forthcoming.
At some point, in my rush for the door, I felt God halt behind me. Here it was, my purpose for being, open and glowing and beckoning, and He was…not taking me there. I turned. What was the deal? He was standing there shaking His head. “Your wait is almost over,” He said. “But not quite yet.”
I wondered what I was missing. Was it formal training? At a friend’s suggestion, I looked into seminary. But it wasn’t feasible with my schedule or finances, and I didn’t feel released to pursue that path. So I thought about joining a ministerial internship program at my church. Again, the answer was no. Having witnessed the consequences of people forcing themselves through doors without God’s permission and presence, I finally relented. “Ok, God,” I said. “As painful as it may be, I won’t walk through that door without you at my side. I will wait and draw closer to you.”
And as I prayed on the threshold to draw closer to God, He reached down and shattered me completely. He plunged me into darkness, tore every prayer from my lips, and cloaked me in a veil of silence. This week, I am convinced that Jesus wears jack boots and has both heels in the back of my neck.
For the past few months, I have been sitting before this open door to my destiny, spiritually deaf, dumb and blind. I have watched as seemingly every other person with a call on their life walks through their door. My Facebook feed is littered with stories of new ministries started, people healed, people led to Christ, other blogs going viral–and I’m basically bleeding out on the floor. I try to pray for people and struggle to get out more than “God, help them.” Sometimes I open my mouth and nothing comes out.
I feel about as effective as an inflatable screwdriver.
I recently looked up to God and asked, “What gives? Where do you want me to go? What would you have me to do?” He said, “Nothing. You’re right where I want you.”
Oh. Well. If that’s the case…I guess I can bleed some more. Easy enough.
Then this week, as I sat staring into my golden door, I felt Him nudging me toward the threshold again.
“Now, God? You want me to walk through the door now? When I can’t utter more than three words in prayer? When I’m so broken I’d need a magnifying glass and tweezers to locate all of the pieces?”
“What if I do? Don’t you trust me?”
“Of course. I was just thinking maybe you’d want me to achieve a little wholeness first. Or get my act together. Something like that.”
“Don’t you recall? My power is made perfect in weakness. Are you ready to see what I will do?”
Absolutely. Let’s dance!
I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name (Revelation 3:8).