You may have seen some articles floating around about the types of women Christian men shouldn’t date. Sure, there’s some out there about the kinds of men Christian women shouldn’t date, too, but they’re mostly about men who are afraid of commitment or who don’t take their faith seriously.
But what about those who do? Is every dedicated Christian man great marriage material? Some would say yes, but I beg to differ. So here are my 7 CHRISTIAN men that Christian women should stay far, far away from.
- Gullible Gill
Gullible Gill loves Jesus a whole, whole lot! A perpetual “yes man,” you’ll find Gullible Gill answering every altar call, volunteering for every church work day, and signing up for just about every conference. Gullible Gill stands in awe of pulpit ministry and absorbs every sermon by every preacher like a sponge. He has all of John MacAuthur’s books on his bookshelf, Mark Driscoll’s sermons on podcast, and a Joel Osteen poster on his wall. It doesn’t matter to Gill whether a minister is a Cessationist, a Reformer, or a Prosperity Gospel televangelist–all are gifted men of God who speak the truth! Whenever you are down or struggling, Gullible Gill has just the right religious catchphrase, gleaned from his hours of celebrity pastor worship, to solve your problem. Sweet guy. Future cult member.
2. Legalist Lloyd (a.k.a., Fundamentalist Frank)
Once upon a time, people wore suits to church and read the KJV. Now they don’t, and Legalist Lloyd isn’t happy about it. Legalist Lloyd is all about holiness and honoring God, and he knows how to honor God better than anyone else. It’s all about appearances. Legalist Lloyd doesn’t go to the movie theater. Legalist Lloyd doesn’t drink at parties–or at all. Others may wear jeans to church or tell theological jokes, but Legalist Lloyd does not.
The woman Lloyd deems worthy to marry him will most certainly be the paragon of perfection at all times. He will nitpick her posture, her countenance, her diet and her clothing until she is. Legalist Lloyd can be found writing pages-long treatises to the elder board, explaining why that illustration pastor used last Sunday was inappropriate and bemoaning the outfits worn by visitors to the church’s August picnic. Loves to role play as the police: tone police, modesty police, humor police.
3. Complementarian Craig
Complementarian Craig knows that the biggest problem in the world today is uppity women. Feminism has taken over society, and Complementarian Craig is on a campaign to get women back into the kitchen where they belong. You’ll hear Craig rant about things like the “feminization of worship,” even while the pastoral staff, elder board, and district council is all male. He gets noticeably twitchy every time a woman reaches for a microphone in church, and he’s still trying to decide if his pastor should have let his wife read a scripture during the offertory last Sunday. While Craig isn’t so extreme as to identify with the guys on the Red Pill Reddit, he admits they sometimes “have a point.” Craig dreams of having a wife who will wash his dishes, scrub his floors and call him “lord” so he can finally feel like the big, godly, counter-cultural man that he isn’t.
4. Megachurch Mike
God has spoken to Megachurch Mike, saying, “Take back this city for my glory!” So Megachurch Mike is on a mission to plant a huge church in San Fran/St. Louis/Portland, Maine that will have multiple campuses, a rockin’ sound system, and a worship band that will make Hillsong look like an after-school special. Only Megachurch Mike has the right doctrine and perspective, because none of the other churches in the area have been able to achieve such greatness. Date nights are spent flipping through audio/visual catalogs and driving past 40,000-square-foot warehouses for sale. Mike will be insanely successful until his ministry collapses under the weight of either multiple affairs or embezzlement and racketeering charges. Narcissist and future cult leader. Can be found recruiting Gullible Gills.
5. Eager Eddie
Eager Eddie needs a wife really, really badly. Like, today. Eager Eddie has been saving himself for marriage, and he doesn’t think he can wait one more minute. He practically explodes in his pants every time the moderately attractive barista at Starbucks asks him if he would like more coffee. On the first date, Eddie will ask you about your plans for marriage and when you think you’d like to settle down. He wants three kids. Five kids. Right now. There’s a wedding chapel just up the road and a hotel next door. A ring? He’s got one in his pocket. Wait, where are you going?
Eager Eddie has issues you won’t want to touch with a 39-and-a-half-foot pole. Give him the name of a good therapist and run.
6. Mopey Matt
Mopey Matt is Legalist Lloyd without any of the conviction. He goes to church and participates in Bible study, but he’s not thrilled about it. Mopey Matt sighs when the sermon goes over five minutes. He complains when the worship songs aren’t snappy enough. After volunteering at an outreach, Mopey Matt spends the rest of the afternoon whining about how hot or cold it was and how bad that one homeless guy smelled. Mopey Matt will buy you flowers, but he’ll groan about how much they cost. He’ll write you a letter, but he’ll let you know how long it took and how hard it was. Mopey Matt is a total drag. Avoid.
7. Hypocrite Harry
Hypocrite Harry is a Legalist Lloyd or Complementarian Craig on the surface, parading about like a serious, dedicated Christian. Underneath that facade, however, he’s harboring some serious sin. Inventor of the humble brag, Hypocrite Harry pontificates on Facebook and in church about the blessings of God and the importance of holiness, then goes home and pops a fistful of pills or cruises the bars for a one-night stand. When confronted about his behavior, Hypocrite Harry says he’ll try to get clean. But instead of going to counseling, he sends his woman instead, because “you make me do these things.”
Harry says his real problem is just that he needs to pray more. So when the addiction rears its ugly head again, he heads for a Christian-based rehab center, where he declares after two weeks that he’s “seen the light” and knows God’s will for both his and your life. Three weeks after that, he’s back in the crack house, whorehouse, or some other house of ill repute. When you’ve decided you’ve finally had enough of Hypocrite Harry’s shenanigans, he will then say he’s just a poor sinner like everyone else, and you lack the Christian love and grace needed to help him through his problems. Really, he just needs to be helped through the nearest screen door.
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Ladies, if you encounter any of these men at church, please stay away!